Healing Religious Trauma, Releasing Trauma Bonds, Finding Our Sacred Worth

Many of us have known what it means to exist in religious spaces where our gifts of ministry are recognized, but our sexuality isn't. Why do some LGBTQ individuals seek belonging in religious spaces that don’t affirm them? The love experienced in those spaces can seem genuine. In reality, some of the people we meet there aren’t trying to hurt us intentionally. However, we often have to hide parts of ourselves to be loved and accepted.

This isn't love. This isn’t faith formation. It’s trauma bonding—a survival mechanism that traps us in religious environments where hiding parts of ourselves is necessary for belonging. The comfort we feel isn’t truly authentic because it requires us to perform our humanity just to receive grace.

Initially, the Church ( capital “c” church ) tells us we are sinful, that something is wrong with us, and that we need saving. Then it promises deliverance. We are told we need to be born again, and that without deliverance eternal life is out of reach. The church becomes the place that, whether intentionally or not, wounds us while claiming to teach us about healing and a God who heals. We grow accustomed to existing in religious spaces that break us yet offer the illusion of grace. Religious spaces that preach love but also imply we are unlovable.

Staying in religious spaces that don’t honor our authenticity reinforces the idea that we must hide parts of ourselves to be loved. If we stay in these spaces, our personal relationships often mirror this pattern—giving too much to be loved and compromising ourselves in the hope that others will do the same. The effects of trauma bonding go beyond how and where we worship; they shape how we show up for ourselves, how we love, and how we engage with the world.